How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you

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One Man & His iPhone - Is this the coolest use of an iPhone?! I think so!

Satanic Bagpuss in HMV Leicester by @sicalcutt on Twitter

Think you have complete control over your own foot?!

52 things you would love to say out loud at work - but probably shouldn't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF... (please add your own funny comment!)

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF...

You believe that every patient needs TLC: Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse call-buzzer system night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.

When asked by the doctor what colour the patient's diarrhoea was, you show
them your shoes.

If they missed your shoes, you use the well known "poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken Korma to Spinach Vindaloo.

You can identify the different causes of diarrhoea by the smell.

Your sense of humour gets more warped every year.

The kids get their presents in TED stockings, and NHS pillowcases. Anybody's
presents are usually wrapped with Micropore or Transpore tape.

Almost anything can seem funny? eventually.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors, keys and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from work is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.

You don't get concerned about blood unless it's your own.

You notice that you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have laxative drug names written on them.

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing or it
triggers flashbacks, or; Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty
because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and everything, and
pointing out mistakes like upside down x-rays.

You have seriously considered catheterising yourself before a clubbing
night, or your children before a long car journey.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your colleague and to scream if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn or crisps out of a clean bedpan/sick bowl is
perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the shopping centre for fear that
they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You hate to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live
in, and why can't they make jeans that comfortable.

You find yourself checking other peoples veins in the supermarket

When checking a patients orientation, YOU don't know if its night or day,
or what day/year/month it is.

You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work nights and
realise that you don't need drugs or alcohol to hallucinate; just lack of
sleep.

You pull over in a lay-by after nights because you are too tired to drive
home. You only wake up when someone is banging on your window because they
think you've had a stroke when the see the trail of dribble sliding down
the window

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute has.

***
Anymore? Add your own and pass them back to me!

Ryan x

My 'new' iPhone - Screenshots

I took what I thought would be a risky plunge and made my iPhone a jailbreak. Designed a theme/icons in the process. Here are the results:

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What to do when you are bored at work - kill flies and...

1. Kill a few Flies

2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.

3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.

Here are a few examples...

                 

Click here to download:

What_to_do_when_you_are_bored_.zip (226 KB)

Thanks to Mair for sharing

Cadbury Take-over?!

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said in a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts", he replied.

He touched her Creme Eggs, then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks, while she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment, and she screamed in
Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, who had Allsorts.

Pontypool: Shut Up or Die

Saw this in HMV; made me laugh! A film about zombies called Pontypool. Could be so true... have you seen Ponypool* in the evening?! I shudder at the thought... like night of the living dead!

(Editors note: Ponypool is a town in South Wales, UK)