Sarah Millican - Live At The Apollo

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Part 2

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you

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Noteable Mark Twain Quotes

"Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

"People born to be hanged are safe in water."

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

"Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to."

"Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'."

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"I don't give a damn for a man who can spell a word only one way."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."

"All kings is mostly rapscallions."

"It is not best that we all should think alike, it is differences of opinion that make horse races."

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself."

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know."

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."

"It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either."

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."

"I have a higher and greater standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie but I won't."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."

"Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish."

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."

"I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it."

"The Bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies."

"It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read."

"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting."

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty- one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."

"Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity."

"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten."

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them."

True Stories about Americans from a UK Travel Agent

The following are actual stories told by travellers from Mendocino County, CA to a travel agents in the UK. (And you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography...)

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,
why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back
and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

How an 11 year-old solved my computer trouble ~ Humour

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, '"an, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned; "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

I poked your mum...

Saw this Tee-Shirt in a shop window in Leicester today. Simple, but worth a chuckle...!

Today's Joke

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey
Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.

"What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

Glee's Sue Sylvester Quotes

"Hey, Buddy! I was just dropping by to feed my Venus flytrap" Episode 13: Sectionals

"You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that's hard!" (Episode 1: Pilot)

"You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis, that's hard!" (Episode 1:Pilot)

"Your resentment... is dellllicious." (Episode 1: Pilot)

"You think this is hard? Try filling your own cavity, that's hard!" (Episode 1: Pilot)

Sue: "See, now what you're doing here is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system and kids fall into certain slots. Now, you have your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. Your invisibles and kids playing online trolls and creatures, bottom floor." Will: "So where do the Glee kids lie?" Sue: "Sub-basement." (Episode 1: Pilot)

"Lady Justice wept today." (Episode 2: Showmance)

"I took the liberty of highlighting some Special Ed classes for you. Maybe you can find some recruits there because I don't think anybody else is going to want to swim over to your... island of misfit toys." (Episode 2:Showmance)

Sue: Iron tablet? It keeps your strenght up when you menstrate. Will: I don't menstrate. Sue: Yeah neither do i.

"It is my strong suggestion these two students be hobbled." (Episode 2:Showmance)

"Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I have seen in 20 years of teaching and that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."" (Episode 2: Showmance)

Will: "Are you threatening me?" Sue: "Threatening you? Oh no, no, no, no. Giving you a chance to compromise yourself? You betcha! Let's break it down. You want to be creative, you want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me! So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it! It's time, and I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade, launder my soiled delicates. It'd be very rewarding work for you." (Episode 2: Showmance)

"This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office!" (Episode 3: Acafellas)

*when Principal Figgins forces them to hug* Will: "I will destroy you." Sue: "I am about to vomit down your back." Will: "It's on." (Episode 7: Throwdown)

"There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and some day they will. And that's how SueC's it." (Episode 4: Preggers)

"I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'" (Episode 4: Preggers)

"God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester."

"Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people but that’s no excuse for treating you like some half-priced hooker in Amsterdam’s famous red-light district."

"I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picturing birds laying sulforous eggs in there and i find it disgusting"

"Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there’s a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand."

"Schuester! Yeah? I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all, and I want it on my desk, warm from the laminator at 5:00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then, on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face." Episode 8: Mash-Up

"If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to admire her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning." Episode 9: Wheels

“If there’s anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I’m cutting it!” Episode 10: Hairography

"Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever." Episode 10: Hairography

"I have reasonable confidence that you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're no good at -- right next to having a marriage; running a glee club; and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Episode 13: Sectionals

"Love ya like a sista!" Episode 13: Sectionals

“Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester,” she told him. “You’re about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!“ Episode 13: Sectionals

“I’m going to head down to my condo in Boca, brown up a bit, get myself back into fighting shape.” Episode 13: Sectionals

Sue: Kids; I don't have the time, I don't have the uterus...

More great Glee info on GleeWiki: http://gleewiki.fox.com/page/Sue+Sylvester

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version - Very funny!

Satanic Bagpuss in HMV Leicester by @sicalcutt on Twitter