Occured to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
well, I guess it takes while
For someone to really disappear
And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
the sky was bright, and wide, and blue

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in
'Cause you can't make somebody see
By the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away

But I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Everytime I resurrect my blog from one host to another, some new new visitors wonder why I use the alias 'useless desires' or on twitter 'uselessdesires'

It's quite simple; it's the title of one of my favourite songs of all time, written by singer-song-writer, Patty Griffin (if you would like to read the original article, its at the end of this post) - here's a recording of that song:

Useless Desires (Lyrics)

Say goodbye to the old street 

That never cared much for you anyway
The different-colored doorways
You thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting
The weekend edition has this town way overrated

You walk across a baseball field
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years
Wishing you would anyway

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this

I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

Say goodbye to the old building 
That never tried to know your name
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun
Like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone

How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires

THE THEME BEHIND THE SONG - PERSONAL REFLECTIONS...

Useless Desires is also about saying goodbye to old places, people and certainly saying farewell to certain situations. We all need to move on sometimes, and I have certainly done that.

And, I have my own story why Useless Desires meant so much to me when I first heard it. Here is it:

“Even I’m getting tired of useless desires”

"Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you anyway. And the different colored doorways you thought would let you in one day. Goodbye to the old bus stop frozen and waiting; The weekend addition has this town over-rated.

You walk across the baseball green, the grass has turned to straw. A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are, Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend I can’t make you stay. I can’t spend another ten years wishing you would anyway. How the sky turns to fire, Against the telephone wire,
And even I’m getting tired of useless desires"

A while ago at work I was playing “Useless Desires” by Patty Griffin on the CD player, and I turned to my colleague and told her that Patty makes me happy. She asked who Patty was and I shook my head at her sad little
music life. “Useless Desires” is one of my favorite songs on “Impossible Dream” but it wasn’t till after she went home early that I played the song on my mp3 player (in the toilet!) that it made me cry. Why did it make me cry? Because I really let the words hit me, though I knew them well, it was the first effect they had.

"Everday I take a bitter pill, it gets me on my way"

Almost everyone has their days when dealing with stuff. So its nice to know I’m not alone in the whole in that scene. But it really gets old, which makes me frustrated at myself. I don’t blame anyone at this point for my loneliness, I sit and wonder what I have done wrong and what I can change. But then I throw my hands up at it all because its just a cycle of things I find hard to brake. Is it really me who thinks the new car smell has 'worn off' of me being around? Sure it has, I understand being busy, but that gets old too. I have no problem fitting someone in to my 'not-so-busy life' to have coffee with two weeks from now. I do like days where I don’t know what I’m doing till the last second, I need those days time to time. But mostly, I like having things planned and knowing what’s going to happen before it actually does. Some days I really don’t even think about how lonely I actually am. I was doing well for a while until my birthday came and went, and I felt like the avalanche of all I worked to dig myself out of came down again. I gave Michael, my then partner, hell on that grim day last year in 2005. I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely honest about my birthday. I held back what I was truly feeling. When the question was raised in my own mind of “Where is everyone else?” I fought tears that had been with me days before at the thought wondering the same thing.

"For the little aches and pains, the ones I have from day to day"

I was hurt because I feel like if I just packed up and moved again that no one would really care. I went through my “hermit time” when I just went to work and came home and made excuse why not to call up a friend to see if they wanted to do anything. After that effecting the relationships that are active in my life, I realised I needed to do something for the sake of those and for myself. But more so for their sake than mine, so I told myself has hard as it was and much as it might hurt to not hear back, I'd make the attempt to have relationships here. I don’t like doing things alone. I had friends who I used to call just to do our errands with each other (Dee, Carmel, Jessica, Simon, Stan ... all of you). Its always nice to have the company to do things with. When shopping I usually always need a second opinion. But, since my time at home, I have learned to do a lot of things by myself. I've gotten comfortable with the fact that I do things alone most of the time. But still the haunting feeling of just wanting some friends to call my own near me comes around again.

"To help me think a little less about the things I miss, to help me not to wonder how I ended up like this"

I know I can't think about the 'what if's' about moving back home. Its really hard to at times like these. No one wanted me to leave Wales, even my father. I saw the tears in my mothers eyes when she moved me into halls at uni; even my brother cried. I would be starting over in Uni, making new friends, and I'd be closer to my closest friends and my then-partner. When I was at home, I was actually happy. I think Wales just does that to me because it was one of the greater experiences in my life. I learned a lot and loved a lot and there was nothing ever quite like it anywhere else I've lived. Home is 'home' after all.

I guess I’m just echoing Patty’s words over and over again in my heart. Is it really worth it to have this desire of friendship here, in Lonely Leicester?

I’m getting tired of this useless desire.

Then again... I broke free and started over, like most of us do. I found love, I have a nice home and a few good friends. The only thing that keeps me unhappy is money, or the lack of it. But thats material, not spirit.

And so the journey continues...